the alternations of a consciously unconscious mind

It has finally happened again,for the second time.I was never sure if there were more to come and I never ever even thought about it.The first time it happened,my mind faced a mental block for three days.Such was the effect that I was left powerless and my mind and body feared to response to anything physical just because of the impact the experience left on me.
This time too,it was unexpected and happened without much special efforts.
Before trying to go deep and recollecting all what happened,it is important for me,to think and remember what exactly has been happening over the past few days.
I have been very much restless .I am getting more and more impatient over a thing I want.That has been accumulating for months now and pretty much suffocates me.It's hard to sleep.I actually cant most of the time.I feel low and disheartened.For the first time,I want something so desperately and what troubles me more is that I am not even sure if should hope for the positive to happen in such a case because I am unable to change anything.I am trying hard to forget about it,but I have also realised that the feeling is real and not just a temporary one.all I know is that it is killing me now and i cant take anymore of it.
I wake up today at around 7 as usual.The pleasant weather is making me feel relaxed and there is something to be happy about.I spend my time watching a couple of movies.
Numerous blasts shook ahemdabad yesterday.Lives were lost and I could see helpless faces brimmed with fear,terror and tears on the televison.What a horrifying day it must have been for those who witnessed it and its so depressing beyond limits to even think about the victims and thier relatives who have to face such a harsh unjust treat for the rest of thier lives.
I lose more hope.On one hand I want something just because I really love it.My whole life seems to revolve around it for the time being and it goes on in my mind twenty four hours a day. At the same time I cant bear such things happening.I feel ashamed of myself because I think i am just making a mountain out of a molehill.I dont know what to do.I dont want to be a spectator.
I sit down,still in illusion.I try to forget about everything that is happening,not having even a faint idea about whats in store for me.I think about all the goodness within everything(yeah,does sound lame) and how everything pure is becoming so impure.It's hard to describe how I reached this state,as it is hard to remember what factors contributed to it,but it is as follows:
I am sitting with my eyes closed trying to concentrate at a point between my eyebrows(I cant think of anything worldly because of the mental tiredness).A yellow circle forms at that point.The area keeps on increasing and decreasing.that keeps on happening for a minute.I try hard to concentrate on the midpoint of that circle.It is a soothing light.I dont know why I did that.Then the circle takes the shape of a flame just like shape of the fire when we light up a diya.I no longer feel limited in that small area between my eyebrows.The yellowish orange light which has took the form a flame is so gigantic that it can form universes within.It starts souring high along a luminous path.I suddenly start feeling afraid that I am concsious of all whats happening.Now that fear of being roused up from that state makes me concentrate on the thing with much more strength and will.The luminous path contains in it a boundary of a sphere of blue light.I had never seen such a vibrant color as if it itself contained life and infinite energy.It was like a sea of blue currents and a million lunatics just loosed from the prison house.All I know is that it was nothing physical.It is not joy nor sorrow,but that which is between.It is peace.I try to concentrate harder and I am bought back to the yellow circle.This time I dont worry about anything.I let my mind take me wherever it wants me to be.It keeps on changing positions.One moment it is a yellow circle and the very next,a bright light dance show.It is like a song and just when the song seems to get very interesting and tries to hold you in admiration,there is a silence and the song seems to start all over again.It is a lull between two storms and a knowledge never known.
And just when all that seems to be happening in such a fashion,there floats the universe,rises and floats,to sink again.
There is a ever running,never compromising current of cause and effect.
I am still floating in that surging sea and being tossed to and fro,from wave to wave in this sea of strong passions and deep griefs.There is joy beyond all this.
Now how do I get there?
There is this ocean of my actions and thoughts which makes me dance like a puppet.I still know that I am not yet free.I know I can be.I can feel that it is indeed real.I now can dream strongly about a place where everything becomes one and contributes infinte goodness and power for all what you desire.This desire is not a desire in itself.It is the truth.Standing on this life's high,narrow bridge I can see below,The struggling,crying and the laughing.
Is there really a reason to be sad or something real to be happy about???
Are we on the right track?.Whereever you go,you will need love and you will need strength to do good,to laugh,to create.You know why?It is because it is you;the creator and the destroyer.
What about the heaven?What about the infiniteness of all you require?
It exists within every atom inside you and similarly in everything around you.
This life is our cup of coffee and we have to drink it.We dont have to worry about its temporary-ness.It all will be over soon and everything will be alright.When we do what is ought to be done,how can mother who loves us so much,not open the gates of light for us?I long to return home.It is the goal of my life,And peace-its only home!
I am brimmed with such things again and again whenever I am bought back to the subtler region of ideas.
I again become concsious for a second about whats happening and about my own existence.
I shake myself up.I open my eyes(which i regretted doing later..regretted doing it very very much).
Everything comes to an end in a jiffy.I am just aware of all what happened and try to get in terms with it.I dont feel anything extraordinary anymore other than what I just experienced.I feel very much suprised, but also relaxed as if I already knew everything.I felt as if it was just another reminder unlike the first time I had such an experience ,although it was very much different.Now,that was something.It was an eye opener.